Deep Thoughts
by Tarakin
Summary: Just my personal thoughts. An outlet for my imagination basically. Mostly relatable, at least I hope so. Rated T for security (and the occasional vulgar word and adult theme).


**A/N: These little 'stories' are just going to be me writing about my thoughts, because I have too much pent up imagination, and they are going into the Misc. section of the website in the sub category 'Misc. Plays/Musicals' (because i couldn't find anywhere else it would fit, and my whole life is an act anyways :p), but it's not like anyone would care, this is my first content in this huge place after all plus it isn't even fanfiction. (Hopefully this won't become a diary, but then again I've never had a diary, so I don't know what it should or should not contain)**

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In a Shell

Do you ever just have moments where you are having a great time with your friends, maybe just hanging out at the park, and suddenly you look to them thinking, _Wow, they really don't know ME, do they?_ Then suddenly you feel depressed and guilty that you have not connected to them as much as you could have, but you also know that you do not have the courage to spill your deepest and most personal feelings, so you feel even more helpless, but you can't fall into this hole of guilt yet (because your friends are right there), so you hover over it, while plastering a smile on your face while 'happily' chatting with your friends, when at the same time, the thought is boring into your mind, and touching the ideas in your mind that maybe you haven't thought about in a long time?

I mean, of course they know you. They are your friends. However you feel like there are too many secrets that separate you and them. It's like you've wrapped yourself inside a little cocoon, while you yourself do not realize it. You've wrapped yourself in layers upon layers of not-quite-you-but-you-think-this-is-what-people-want-to-see-from-you and when you want to express yourself properly, you've wrapped yourself in so many layers that you can barely move.

So now you are trapped in the limbo of, _Please see me as who I am, I am right in front of you, please break this shell because I know I can't do it myself,_ but that is your inner, true self whispering, while your very active shell is quite effectively tricking people that it is the real you, so the people that would otherwise be the shell breakers for you do not think you have a shell in need of breaking, and now you have no choice other than to rot in your self made cocoon of self-consciousness and made up emotions.

And since you are in a shell, the people who care about you, truly and honestly, are really caring about a mask, feigning it's perfect, smooth exterior, the venomous being covering up the real you perfectly, while adding more layers to it's act. And you have to watch, as your family and friends talk to a shell, and how you need them to _see,_ but they can't, so you end up banging on the walls of your shell, staining your inner voice, eyes, and ears to see, hear, or respond to anything they might have said or done that might hint to them possibly knowing that the thing the are talking to isn't who they are talking to. You start to feel anxious, if the thing they like in you _isn't_ you, and the feeling of dread that they might like nothing about _you,_ but the thing that tries to be you is unparalleled.

Though you hate it for getting in the way, though you hate it for trapping you, you cannot stop it, because you know it's a perfect protection. You know that if it weren't there, you would be vulnerable and pure, with no secrets or shame. And you hate that; because since you are self-conscious, you believe the real you would bring disappointment onto the ones that you care about. You also know that if the pure you is scarred or harmed, you would never heal, because your feelings and emotions and morals are located there and they are the most personal and strong and _sensitive_ , so if it ever injured a piece of itself, that would hit you the hardest, and you would not know how to heal yourself without putting more layers on top. You end up falling into a huge dilemma of love and hate, so you leave it be, but leaving it be means more layers and more lies.

However, there are always thinner spots in shells, where the wall fails to create a solid cover up, and if you are patient and passionate enough, they crack from the build up of thoughts and emotions and imagination and _feeling._ And when they do, you leap at the chance to express your true self, to express _you,_ and you could not be happier. But alas, you cannot just express yourself through wavelengths through each other's minds, and must find something physical to just, explode. And all your true feelings are thrust out onto the world, for everyone to see. It might be music, speech, writing, dance, drawing, or photography, but you have your outlet to relieve all your energy, and it feels amazing.

But when the feeling is gone and you start to feel the weight of all of your insecurities, you retreat back into the shell, to disappear again, and may not feel the need to come out because you would have burnt yourself out. However, the cracks never heal up, and stay as little passages into the real world. You may not need to use them now, but you now know that whenever you need to express yourself, you _can,_ and that, is enough.

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 **A/N: WOW, that was fun. I am totally keeping this up, and that took a huge weight off my unimaginably huge pile of thoughts. It's short, but it's priceless to me. Please, if you can tell me how I can make my writing better, because I know I'm not the best, that would be great. Also, please tell me if you relate to any of this, so I know I'm not alone. Thanks for reading everyone! Really, it means a lot, even if my mind is a total mess.**


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